Everybody has this thing in them that longs for something. Most people have a passion or something they love to do more than anything else. In my last blog I told you that singing is my passion. It's a fairly new passion. Probably 5-6 years old, but something that has been in me for my whole life longing to come out. I love to sing the songs I write, but even more so, I love to worship God in song and lead others into worshiping him too. Remember that I told you about the prayer I had prayed for God to use me in a mighty way. I also prayed that He would glorify himself in me. My prayer was, and is, not just bring him glory but to bring him the MOST glory I can possibly ever give him. How I love you Lord. I didn't know what was to come, but I told God to do what ever he needed to do or let happen what ever he needed to let happen to me in order for myself to be completely humbled and useable by him.
A month or so after my surgery I was at band practice. I was singing as my voice had gotten considerably strong again. I was feeling all good and proud that I had made it through the surgery still praising God. But a little part of me was like, "hmm, that 's it?" I was expecting more of a life changing lesson. So I'm singing again and I went up to hit a high note and that's when I felt the pain. The same pain I had after the surgery in my throat. It was like a fresh scab ripping off in the most delicate of places. Inside your throat. Oops. Well, it felt better the next day, I was a little hoarse but not bad. But instead of getting better and better my voice got worse and worse. I called the doctors in San Fransico and after going around in circles (you know how medical offices are) I finally got an appointment with someone up here in our area but it wasn't until just last week. He put a camera down my throat and sure enough there was what they call a vocal process granuloma. It is a result of the breathing tube placed in surgery rubbing on the back of my throat every time I breathed in or out. It had been growing since then. This growth can move back and forth sometimes from in front of your vocal chords to behind them because it's attached by a stalk thing. So when I went up to sing that high note I must have pushed enough air up to flip that thing up between the chords. Now we know what the problem is but have no way of knowing how long it will last. These things can take up to a year to heal completely but I'm hopeful it won't take that long!
Before I knew what the problem was I went through so many emotions. Doubt was one of them. I began questioning what I believed to be God's call on my life. I had anger not just at God, but at the situation. Why is this happening to ME!? My anger has turned towards the devil now and I take it out on him by continually reminding him of who I am and what God has promised his people because that, my friends, is something he can never take away. He may be able to sideline you and knock you off your feet for a second with his little lies, but that is all he can do. And he is losing his sting! I have been getting better at recognizing those lies and stopping them in their tracks. Enough about the devil and more on my feelings. I had a fear of never singing again. If you think of something you love so dearly and so passionately and then imagine it being ripped from your hands, and having what you really believe to be true about God being tested in a way you never thought you would have to endure then you can somewhat imagine what I was feeling. I was mourning, grieving over what was lost. I cried every day. I am utterly desperate because my pain is so deep. How can I be a mom to my kids when I am hurting so bad...physically and emotionally? How can I be a wife to my husband when all I want to do is curl up in a ball? How can I care about my neighbor when I can't turn my eyes outward. I just wanted to be alone.
In the midst of this, God is tender and gently reminds me. "God will fulfill his purpose for me, His love is everlasting" The Holy Spirit reminded me of past prayers. I have been drawing so close to him. I want to feel him, I want to know his voice. oh how I long to be at his very feet worshiping him. I remembered praying that he would glorify himself in me, I remembered praying that he would teach me how to glorify him. I prayed that he would take every last part of me. I prayed that he would use me in a mighty way. I had also prayed the Lord would teach me how to fast. I had never fasted more than half a day of no food. But it never felt right. It wasn't cutting through whatever it needed to cut through. I read a blog by Steven Curtis Chapman who went through a time of being unable to sing because of some medical stuff. He introduced me to this idea: I am fasting singing. Now this is a fast that goes deep and has pushed me into a deeper relationship with him. I truly plan on doing this fast again even when my voice is fully recuperated.
Remember the five loaves and two fishes thing in my last blog? Well, I believe I am in the broken part right now. Because it's not just my voice that is broken, it is all of me that is broken. I believe that healing is coming and God will multiply my five loaves and two fishes and he will feed the multitudes with it. Because this is not just about me. It's about all the people he loves dearly and he longs for us to feed them. God is using this trial to purify me. There is nothing so painful as being shown the areas of sin in your life, and there is nothing so painful as giving up something you love deeply. I can honestly say God has taken the bad AND the good in me. I am totally and completely His and this is exactly where I want to be. He has reached into the depths of me. He took my own heart out and put his heart in. He is teaching me how to glorify him in my marriage, in the upbringing of my children, and by having a heart for the lost. I don't think I would have shut up long enough to listen to him if I hadn't lost my voice. I would still be out proclaiming my love for him in song, proudly so, and not in humility. You see, I don't want to just proclaim it with my lips, but I want to go there with my heart. Praise God for his wisdom.
This is what it takes to be used by God mightily (I didn't say this is what it takes to just be used by God... I said to be used mightily): humility and total abandonment of one's own life. To love him above all else. Can you honestly say that you love him above all else? I thought I did. But He has shown me areas where I have put idols before him. Forgive me father. I hope every one of you has had a chance or will have a chance to go through something that cuts this deep. Because, although the pain is fierce, it doesn't even remotely compare to the treasure that's in Him. And when you give him permission to mold you and you get to this place of complete humility and brokenness, just watch and see what He will do. Amazing things are happening in me and around me right now and I just KNOW there is more around the corner. I still cry every day. Not because I'm hopeless. I'm still hurting, but everyday I am overwhelmed with the new portion of grace I get in the midst of this. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for God's great love. I am overwhelmed with HIM. And this is a good place to be.
