A Good Place To Be

It's been 3 months since I had my thyroid taken out.  The scar is still pretty noticeable but I kinda hope it never fades.  I want it to serve as a reminder every time I look in the mirror of what I am going through right now.  On one hand, I want to be completely healed and I can't wait for that day, on the other hand, this time has been one of the sweetest and precious times of growth in my relationship with God.  I am completely covered in His wings right now and so utterly desperate for His strength and Holy Spirit that I never want to leave this place and forget what it is to trust so deeply and intimately. 

Everybody has this thing in them that longs for something.  Most people have a passion or something they love to do more than anything else.  In my last blog I told you that singing is my passion.  It's a fairly new passion.  Probably 5-6 years old, but something that has been in me for my whole life longing to come out.  I love to sing the songs I write, but even more so, I love to worship God in song and lead others into worshiping him too. Remember that I told you about the prayer I had prayed for God to use me in a mighty way.  I also prayed that He would glorify himself in me. My prayer was, and is,  not just bring him glory but to bring him the MOST glory I can possibly ever give him.  How I love you Lord.  I didn't know what was to come, but I told God to do what ever he needed to do or let happen what ever he needed to let happen to me in order for myself to be completely humbled and useable by him. 

A month or so after my surgery I was at band practice.  I was singing as my voice had gotten considerably strong again.  I was feeling all good and proud that I had made it through the surgery still praising God.  But a little part of me was like, "hmm, that 's it?" I was expecting more of a life changing lesson. So I'm singing again and I went up to hit a high note and that's when I felt the pain.  The same pain I had after the surgery in my throat.  It was like a fresh scab ripping off in the most delicate of places.  Inside your throat.  Oops.  Well, it felt better the next day, I was a little hoarse but not bad.  But instead of getting better and better my voice got worse and worse.  I called the doctors in San Fransico and after going around in circles (you know how medical offices are) I finally got an appointment with someone up here in our area but it wasn't until just last week.  He put a camera down my throat and sure enough there was what they call a vocal process granuloma.  It is a result of the breathing tube placed in surgery rubbing on the back of my throat every time I breathed in or out.  It had been growing since then.  This growth can move back and forth sometimes from in front of your vocal chords to behind them because it's attached by a stalk thing.  So when I went up to sing that high note I must have pushed enough air up to flip that thing up between the chords.  Now we know what the problem is but have no way of knowing how long it will last.  These things can take up to a year to heal completely but I'm hopeful it won't take that long!

Before I knew what the problem was I went through so many emotions.  Doubt was one of them. I began questioning what I believed to be God's call on my life.  I had anger not just at God, but at the situation.  Why is this happening to ME!? My anger has turned towards the devil now and I  take it out on him by continually reminding him of who I am and what God has promised his people because that, my friends, is something he can never take away. He may be able to sideline you and knock you off your feet for a second with his little lies, but that is all he can do.  And he is losing his sting!  I have been getting better at recognizing those lies and stopping them in their tracks.  Enough about the devil and more on my feelings.  I had a fear of never singing again.  If you think of something you love so dearly and so passionately and then imagine it being ripped from your hands, and having what you really believe to be true about God being tested in a way you never thought you would have to endure then you can somewhat imagine what I was feeling.  I was mourning, grieving over what was lost.  I cried every day.    I am utterly desperate because my pain is so deep.  How can I be a mom to my kids when I am hurting so bad...physically and emotionally?  How can I be a wife to my husband when all I want to do is curl up in a ball? How can I care about my neighbor when I can't turn my eyes outward.  I just wanted to be alone. 

In the midst of this, God is tender and gently reminds me.   "God will fulfill his purpose for me, His love is everlasting"  The Holy Spirit reminded me of past prayers.  I have been drawing so close to him.  I want to feel him, I want to know his voice. oh how I long to be at his very feet worshiping him. I remembered praying that he would glorify himself in me, I remembered praying that he would teach me how to glorify him.  I prayed that he would take every last part of me.  I prayed that he would use me in a mighty way.  I had also prayed the Lord would teach me how to fast.  I had never fasted more than half a day of no food.  But it never felt right.  It wasn't cutting through whatever it needed to cut through.   I read a blog by Steven Curtis Chapman who went through a time of being unable to sing because of some medical stuff.  He introduced me to this idea:  I am fasting singing. Now this is a fast that goes deep and has pushed me into a deeper relationship with him.  I truly plan on doing this fast again even when my voice is fully recuperated.

Remember the five loaves and two fishes thing in my last blog?  Well, I believe I am in the broken part right now.  Because it's not just my voice that is broken, it is all of me that is broken.  I believe that healing is coming and God will multiply my five loaves and two fishes and he will feed the multitudes with it.  Because this is not just about me.  It's about all the people he loves dearly and he longs for us to feed them.  God is using this trial to purify me. There is nothing so painful as being shown the areas of sin in your life, and there is nothing so painful as giving up something you love deeply.  I can honestly say God has taken the bad AND the good in me.  I am totally and completely His and this is exactly where I want to be. He has reached into the depths of me. He took my own heart out and put his heart in.  He is teaching me how to glorify him in my marriage, in the upbringing of my children, and by having a heart for the lost.  I don't think I would have shut up long enough to listen to him if I hadn't lost my voice. I would still be out proclaiming my love for him in song, proudly so, and not in humility.  You see, I don't want to just proclaim it with my lips, but I want to go there with my heart.  Praise God for his wisdom.

This is what it takes to be used by God mightily (I didn't say this is what it takes to just be used by God... I said to be used mightily):  humility and total abandonment of one's own life.  To love him above all else.  Can you honestly say that you love him above all else?  I thought I did.  But He has shown me areas where I have put idols before him. Forgive me father. I hope every one of you has had a chance or will have a chance to go through something that cuts this deep.  Because, although the pain is fierce, it doesn't even remotely compare to the treasure that's in Him. And when you give him permission to mold you and you get to this place of complete humility and brokenness, just watch and see what He will do. Amazing things are happening in me and around me right now and I just KNOW there is more around the corner.  I still cry every day.  Not because I'm hopeless.  I'm still hurting, but everyday I am overwhelmed with the new portion of grace I get in the midst of this.  I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for God's great love.  I am overwhelmed with HIM.  And this is a good place to be. 

My Total Thyroidectomy

Before the actual surgery.  I was so cold so they put heated blankets on me. 

After the total thyroidectomy.  I was trying to eat but nothing was staying down.  It's weird to see a picture of myself.  I actually don't look so bad, but I felt AWFUL! 

 

 

“For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him."  2Chron 16:9.  I am so grateful for my mighty God.  I am so grateful that he chose me to show himself strong to.  I could not have gotten through this without Him and the prayers of all my friends and family.  This whole experience has been a major milestone in my life.  Through this experience I witnessed first hand how my old habits are dying away and being replaced with reactions that only come from the Holy Spirit who lives in me.  While this surgery may seem insignificant to some because it is a routine surgery and if you pick a good surgeon your chances of success are very good, it was so very significant to me in a lot of ways.  It actually feels a little silly to tell you how big of an impact it had on me when I consider others who are going through more life threatening circumstances. But you know, even the seemingly small things are cared about by God. Especially when he gets to use them to bring about good.

 

For a while now I've been praying for God  to glorify himself in me and to use me in a mighty way.  He's been answering that prayer and taking me to a whole new level in our relationship.  It started by Him telling me that I needed to give everything to Him.  That means my family is his.  My comfortable home is his.  My voice is His.  My hopes and dreams are his.  I went through everything that I held close and lifted my hands and told the Lord that they were his. 

 

When we found nodules on my thryoid my instant reaction was fear.  As the time came to make a decision on whether or not to have surgery I was just lost.  I didn't know what to do.   The nodules had grown just a bit and you could see the lump in my neck.  And it had become more and more uncomfortable and I noticed  a slight change in my breathing especially in certain activities.  At times swallowing was just a little more difficult and my throat even made a funny sound.  I looked into homoepathic and naturalistic approaches to try and shrink the nodules.  But because of the size of them, there was little to no chance of shrinking them.  I also did not want to just minimize the symptoms and risk overlooking a more dangerous problem like cancer.   I looked to God for healing.  So many people prayed for my healing with me.  Months went by and nothing happened.  The nodules just seem to get bigger. 

 

Lets revisit giving everything to God.  The small risk of having surgery to get your thyroid out is losing your voice or changing it...permanantly.  I love singing.  I'm not a professional or anything, but I love being in a band, and I absolutely love to worship God in song.  After visiting the specialist yet again, he suggeseted having the surgery very soon.  If I waited too long my thyroid could become even larger. The risks of surgery become greater the bigger your thyroid gets.  So he left Adam and I to make this decision.  I got on my knees again and had to give singing to the Lord.  I know it's a gift that you have given me to glorify you Lord.  It's not mine to keep.  It is yours.  If I can glorify you even more without my voice, then take it away.  But the fist in my heart wanted to clench tight over singing and any hopes or dreams that had to do with it.  God, I really want to give this to you but  it's really hard to let go.  As soon as I was honest with him peace came over me and it seemed that I had truly given it to him...or he had just taken it :)  

 

I had recently been reminded about the boy who gave Jesus all he had, 5 loaves and 2 fish.  Jesus took the food, broke it and fed the multitudes with it.   The cool thing is that there ended up being more left over after feeding everyone than there was to begin with. 

 

Then two different people, when sharing about my thyroid issues, specifically brought up this boy to me and told me that my voice is like the 5 loaves and 2 fishes.  You give it all to Jesus, he breaks it, feeds the multitudes and you end up having more than when you started out. I don't know what this will look like for me.It may have nothing to do with singing, but whatever it is I'm excited. 

 

So, the appointment for surgery was set and I was at complete peace about it.  I won't say that I didn't have a little nervousness about it or even shed a few tears over it as I continued to seek God's wisdom in this decision.  I completely believe that God can heal me with just one touch.  I also believe it is his will to heal.  I just didn't know how he wanted to heal me.  And even though I saw a surgeon and he took my thyroid out, I consider myself healed by God.  I don't claim to know His thoughts, but looking at this situation I feel like he wanted me to go through the surgery because I had to completely hand over my voice to him and trust him totally. I want to be used by God in a mighty way and I've been asking for him to use me.  But I cannot be used mightily if I hold onto things that don't belong to me. Not only did this situation cause me to give him my voice but also my family.  As Adam and I left for San Franscisco I had this thought "what if I don't come out of this surgery.  there is always a risk when getting put under anesthesia. (which I did have a terrible experience with, but that's a whole other story).  I brought myself to tears thinking about my boys without their mother.  But then, again, I released them into His hands.  Even if I were to not come back, God would take care of them. 

 

It's one thing to proclaim with my lips that I give God everything and trust him.  It's another to actually put that faith into action and apply it in the hardest of times.  I am finally seeing victory over this fear I have.

 

As I woke up after surgery all was a blur.  Adam told me that they had come in to tell him that I should be waking up in an hour.   I didn't wake up for an hour and half later than they told him.  The effects of the anesthesia were terrible on my body.  I had nausea in the worst way.  when I moved I would just throw up.  I couldn't keep any pain meds down so I was hurting pretty bad.  I got the absolute worst headache I have ever had. My throat hurt so bad from the breathing tube. When ever I swallowed it was like a million knives tearing me up inside. And getting up to walk was shakey business.  I had body twitches on my face, on my shoulders, my back.  And for some reason I would shiver bad enough for my teeth to be clicking together even though I didn't feel cold. The next day we drove home, but not before I threw up again and the nurse gave me antinausea stuff to get me through the ride home.  I still had no pain meds in me to help and I was just in agony with that splitting headache.   I think I had my eyes closed the entire 5 hour trip.  24 hours after I woke up I could finally keep a little food in.  And I finally got to take some ib profin. I must have gotten a cold on top of everything because I was so stuffed up and I had to blow my nose and cough sooooooo much.  And let me tell you how bad it hurts to do those things when you have had your throat cut open the day before.  I'm only describing this to you, not to complain, but to tell you another victory I had.  When I was going through this pain, my normal habits wanted to come to the surface.  Normally I would have gotten angry at the way Adam was driving on our way home, or start cursing in my head, or cry uncontrollably and think "oh woe is me".  But when I felt that urge, I made up my mind that I would not go there. I remembered Job who fell on his knees and worshiped God despite what had happened to him.  (Not that my circumstances were even remotely as bad as his)  I couldn't talk yet, and I couldn't get down on my knees, but in my heart I started to worship him and praise him.  This is a huge victory for me.   

 

It's been 2 weeks since my surgery.  My throat still hurts and I still cannot sing. My emotions are all over the place. Probably from the hormone pills I'm adjusting to.  I have had a couple of times where I felt that good ol fear.  What if I never get my voice back completely?  what if I can never yell at my kids again?  Just kidding.  But by the grace of God, I've been able to capture that fear and throw it out, replacing it with the hope that I have in Him and the promises He has given me in His word. He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me.  He can do immeasurably more than I could ever hope or imagine.  He has given me the spirit of power, not of fear or timidity.  And the list goes on. 

 

My husband has been so good to me and I am so grateful for his strength.  He is always a nice rock to lean on when I'm all emotional.  My kids, although they are a handful right now,  have blessed me in little ways with careful hugs and caring comments. I hope that, despite my irritation and failures at times, they know how much I love them and can see God working in me.   My mom has been by my side to help with my "little tornadoes" and do my dishes and laundry and other hard stuff.  Even my dear friend Rachel came and cleaned my house and watched my kids so my mom and I could have a break in all the madness.  She also organized a meal plan for us.  We were fed dinner for 2 weeks solid by our church family.  It is so greatly appreciated. And  I need to especially thank all those near and far who have been praying for me.  I can't express how much I felt those prayers and how much they mean to me.  This has been a very hard, humbling, but special time for me.  Thank you God for showing yourself strong to me. May I continue to be loyal to You.   

 

 

Just a note:  By the way, the surgeon did say that it was a good thing I got my thryoid out when I did.  the smaller side was actually bigger than he thought.  It was kinda swelling around to the back (it's hard to explain).  And one of my parathyroid glands (glands that are around your thryoid and control your calcium)  was embedded somehow in my thryoid.  When the surgeon took the thyroid out, it tore that parathyroid gland and he had to reattach it to.....hmm...to something.   I don't know, I'm not a surgeon :)