A Good Place To Be

It's been 3 months since I had my thyroid taken out.  The scar is still pretty noticeable but I kinda hope it never fades.  I want it to serve as a reminder every time I look in the mirror of what I am going through right now.  On one hand, I want to be completely healed and I can't wait for that day, on the other hand, this time has been one of the sweetest and precious times of growth in my relationship with God.  I am completely covered in His wings right now and so utterly desperate for His strength and Holy Spirit that I never want to leave this place and forget what it is to trust so deeply and intimately. 

Everybody has this thing in them that longs for something.  Most people have a passion or something they love to do more than anything else.  In my last blog I told you that singing is my passion.  It's a fairly new passion.  Probably 5-6 years old, but something that has been in me for my whole life longing to come out.  I love to sing the songs I write, but even more so, I love to worship God in song and lead others into worshiping him too. Remember that I told you about the prayer I had prayed for God to use me in a mighty way.  I also prayed that He would glorify himself in me. My prayer was, and is,  not just bring him glory but to bring him the MOST glory I can possibly ever give him.  How I love you Lord.  I didn't know what was to come, but I told God to do what ever he needed to do or let happen what ever he needed to let happen to me in order for myself to be completely humbled and useable by him. 

A month or so after my surgery I was at band practice.  I was singing as my voice had gotten considerably strong again.  I was feeling all good and proud that I had made it through the surgery still praising God.  But a little part of me was like, "hmm, that 's it?" I was expecting more of a life changing lesson. So I'm singing again and I went up to hit a high note and that's when I felt the pain.  The same pain I had after the surgery in my throat.  It was like a fresh scab ripping off in the most delicate of places.  Inside your throat.  Oops.  Well, it felt better the next day, I was a little hoarse but not bad.  But instead of getting better and better my voice got worse and worse.  I called the doctors in San Fransico and after going around in circles (you know how medical offices are) I finally got an appointment with someone up here in our area but it wasn't until just last week.  He put a camera down my throat and sure enough there was what they call a vocal process granuloma.  It is a result of the breathing tube placed in surgery rubbing on the back of my throat every time I breathed in or out.  It had been growing since then.  This growth can move back and forth sometimes from in front of your vocal chords to behind them because it's attached by a stalk thing.  So when I went up to sing that high note I must have pushed enough air up to flip that thing up between the chords.  Now we know what the problem is but have no way of knowing how long it will last.  These things can take up to a year to heal completely but I'm hopeful it won't take that long!

Before I knew what the problem was I went through so many emotions.  Doubt was one of them. I began questioning what I believed to be God's call on my life.  I had anger not just at God, but at the situation.  Why is this happening to ME!? My anger has turned towards the devil now and I  take it out on him by continually reminding him of who I am and what God has promised his people because that, my friends, is something he can never take away. He may be able to sideline you and knock you off your feet for a second with his little lies, but that is all he can do.  And he is losing his sting!  I have been getting better at recognizing those lies and stopping them in their tracks.  Enough about the devil and more on my feelings.  I had a fear of never singing again.  If you think of something you love so dearly and so passionately and then imagine it being ripped from your hands, and having what you really believe to be true about God being tested in a way you never thought you would have to endure then you can somewhat imagine what I was feeling.  I was mourning, grieving over what was lost.  I cried every day.    I am utterly desperate because my pain is so deep.  How can I be a mom to my kids when I am hurting so bad...physically and emotionally?  How can I be a wife to my husband when all I want to do is curl up in a ball? How can I care about my neighbor when I can't turn my eyes outward.  I just wanted to be alone. 

In the midst of this, God is tender and gently reminds me.   "God will fulfill his purpose for me, His love is everlasting"  The Holy Spirit reminded me of past prayers.  I have been drawing so close to him.  I want to feel him, I want to know his voice. oh how I long to be at his very feet worshiping him. I remembered praying that he would glorify himself in me, I remembered praying that he would teach me how to glorify him.  I prayed that he would take every last part of me.  I prayed that he would use me in a mighty way.  I had also prayed the Lord would teach me how to fast.  I had never fasted more than half a day of no food.  But it never felt right.  It wasn't cutting through whatever it needed to cut through.   I read a blog by Steven Curtis Chapman who went through a time of being unable to sing because of some medical stuff.  He introduced me to this idea:  I am fasting singing. Now this is a fast that goes deep and has pushed me into a deeper relationship with him.  I truly plan on doing this fast again even when my voice is fully recuperated.

Remember the five loaves and two fishes thing in my last blog?  Well, I believe I am in the broken part right now.  Because it's not just my voice that is broken, it is all of me that is broken.  I believe that healing is coming and God will multiply my five loaves and two fishes and he will feed the multitudes with it.  Because this is not just about me.  It's about all the people he loves dearly and he longs for us to feed them.  God is using this trial to purify me. There is nothing so painful as being shown the areas of sin in your life, and there is nothing so painful as giving up something you love deeply.  I can honestly say God has taken the bad AND the good in me.  I am totally and completely His and this is exactly where I want to be. He has reached into the depths of me. He took my own heart out and put his heart in.  He is teaching me how to glorify him in my marriage, in the upbringing of my children, and by having a heart for the lost.  I don't think I would have shut up long enough to listen to him if I hadn't lost my voice. I would still be out proclaiming my love for him in song, proudly so, and not in humility.  You see, I don't want to just proclaim it with my lips, but I want to go there with my heart.  Praise God for his wisdom.

This is what it takes to be used by God mightily (I didn't say this is what it takes to just be used by God... I said to be used mightily):  humility and total abandonment of one's own life.  To love him above all else.  Can you honestly say that you love him above all else?  I thought I did.  But He has shown me areas where I have put idols before him. Forgive me father. I hope every one of you has had a chance or will have a chance to go through something that cuts this deep.  Because, although the pain is fierce, it doesn't even remotely compare to the treasure that's in Him. And when you give him permission to mold you and you get to this place of complete humility and brokenness, just watch and see what He will do. Amazing things are happening in me and around me right now and I just KNOW there is more around the corner.  I still cry every day.  Not because I'm hopeless.  I'm still hurting, but everyday I am overwhelmed with the new portion of grace I get in the midst of this.  I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for God's great love.  I am overwhelmed with HIM.  And this is a good place to be. 

My Total Thyroidectomy

Before the actual surgery.  I was so cold so they put heated blankets on me. 

After the total thyroidectomy.  I was trying to eat but nothing was staying down.  It's weird to see a picture of myself.  I actually don't look so bad, but I felt AWFUL! 

 

 

“For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him."  2Chron 16:9.  I am so grateful for my mighty God.  I am so grateful that he chose me to show himself strong to.  I could not have gotten through this without Him and the prayers of all my friends and family.  This whole experience has been a major milestone in my life.  Through this experience I witnessed first hand how my old habits are dying away and being replaced with reactions that only come from the Holy Spirit who lives in me.  While this surgery may seem insignificant to some because it is a routine surgery and if you pick a good surgeon your chances of success are very good, it was so very significant to me in a lot of ways.  It actually feels a little silly to tell you how big of an impact it had on me when I consider others who are going through more life threatening circumstances. But you know, even the seemingly small things are cared about by God. Especially when he gets to use them to bring about good.

 

For a while now I've been praying for God  to glorify himself in me and to use me in a mighty way.  He's been answering that prayer and taking me to a whole new level in our relationship.  It started by Him telling me that I needed to give everything to Him.  That means my family is his.  My comfortable home is his.  My voice is His.  My hopes and dreams are his.  I went through everything that I held close and lifted my hands and told the Lord that they were his. 

 

When we found nodules on my thryoid my instant reaction was fear.  As the time came to make a decision on whether or not to have surgery I was just lost.  I didn't know what to do.   The nodules had grown just a bit and you could see the lump in my neck.  And it had become more and more uncomfortable and I noticed  a slight change in my breathing especially in certain activities.  At times swallowing was just a little more difficult and my throat even made a funny sound.  I looked into homoepathic and naturalistic approaches to try and shrink the nodules.  But because of the size of them, there was little to no chance of shrinking them.  I also did not want to just minimize the symptoms and risk overlooking a more dangerous problem like cancer.   I looked to God for healing.  So many people prayed for my healing with me.  Months went by and nothing happened.  The nodules just seem to get bigger. 

 

Lets revisit giving everything to God.  The small risk of having surgery to get your thyroid out is losing your voice or changing it...permanantly.  I love singing.  I'm not a professional or anything, but I love being in a band, and I absolutely love to worship God in song.  After visiting the specialist yet again, he suggeseted having the surgery very soon.  If I waited too long my thyroid could become even larger. The risks of surgery become greater the bigger your thyroid gets.  So he left Adam and I to make this decision.  I got on my knees again and had to give singing to the Lord.  I know it's a gift that you have given me to glorify you Lord.  It's not mine to keep.  It is yours.  If I can glorify you even more without my voice, then take it away.  But the fist in my heart wanted to clench tight over singing and any hopes or dreams that had to do with it.  God, I really want to give this to you but  it's really hard to let go.  As soon as I was honest with him peace came over me and it seemed that I had truly given it to him...or he had just taken it :)  

 

I had recently been reminded about the boy who gave Jesus all he had, 5 loaves and 2 fish.  Jesus took the food, broke it and fed the multitudes with it.   The cool thing is that there ended up being more left over after feeding everyone than there was to begin with. 

 

Then two different people, when sharing about my thyroid issues, specifically brought up this boy to me and told me that my voice is like the 5 loaves and 2 fishes.  You give it all to Jesus, he breaks it, feeds the multitudes and you end up having more than when you started out. I don't know what this will look like for me.It may have nothing to do with singing, but whatever it is I'm excited. 

 

So, the appointment for surgery was set and I was at complete peace about it.  I won't say that I didn't have a little nervousness about it or even shed a few tears over it as I continued to seek God's wisdom in this decision.  I completely believe that God can heal me with just one touch.  I also believe it is his will to heal.  I just didn't know how he wanted to heal me.  And even though I saw a surgeon and he took my thyroid out, I consider myself healed by God.  I don't claim to know His thoughts, but looking at this situation I feel like he wanted me to go through the surgery because I had to completely hand over my voice to him and trust him totally. I want to be used by God in a mighty way and I've been asking for him to use me.  But I cannot be used mightily if I hold onto things that don't belong to me. Not only did this situation cause me to give him my voice but also my family.  As Adam and I left for San Franscisco I had this thought "what if I don't come out of this surgery.  there is always a risk when getting put under anesthesia. (which I did have a terrible experience with, but that's a whole other story).  I brought myself to tears thinking about my boys without their mother.  But then, again, I released them into His hands.  Even if I were to not come back, God would take care of them. 

 

It's one thing to proclaim with my lips that I give God everything and trust him.  It's another to actually put that faith into action and apply it in the hardest of times.  I am finally seeing victory over this fear I have.

 

As I woke up after surgery all was a blur.  Adam told me that they had come in to tell him that I should be waking up in an hour.   I didn't wake up for an hour and half later than they told him.  The effects of the anesthesia were terrible on my body.  I had nausea in the worst way.  when I moved I would just throw up.  I couldn't keep any pain meds down so I was hurting pretty bad.  I got the absolute worst headache I have ever had. My throat hurt so bad from the breathing tube. When ever I swallowed it was like a million knives tearing me up inside. And getting up to walk was shakey business.  I had body twitches on my face, on my shoulders, my back.  And for some reason I would shiver bad enough for my teeth to be clicking together even though I didn't feel cold. The next day we drove home, but not before I threw up again and the nurse gave me antinausea stuff to get me through the ride home.  I still had no pain meds in me to help and I was just in agony with that splitting headache.   I think I had my eyes closed the entire 5 hour trip.  24 hours after I woke up I could finally keep a little food in.  And I finally got to take some ib profin. I must have gotten a cold on top of everything because I was so stuffed up and I had to blow my nose and cough sooooooo much.  And let me tell you how bad it hurts to do those things when you have had your throat cut open the day before.  I'm only describing this to you, not to complain, but to tell you another victory I had.  When I was going through this pain, my normal habits wanted to come to the surface.  Normally I would have gotten angry at the way Adam was driving on our way home, or start cursing in my head, or cry uncontrollably and think "oh woe is me".  But when I felt that urge, I made up my mind that I would not go there. I remembered Job who fell on his knees and worshiped God despite what had happened to him.  (Not that my circumstances were even remotely as bad as his)  I couldn't talk yet, and I couldn't get down on my knees, but in my heart I started to worship him and praise him.  This is a huge victory for me.   

 

It's been 2 weeks since my surgery.  My throat still hurts and I still cannot sing. My emotions are all over the place. Probably from the hormone pills I'm adjusting to.  I have had a couple of times where I felt that good ol fear.  What if I never get my voice back completely?  what if I can never yell at my kids again?  Just kidding.  But by the grace of God, I've been able to capture that fear and throw it out, replacing it with the hope that I have in Him and the promises He has given me in His word. He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me.  He can do immeasurably more than I could ever hope or imagine.  He has given me the spirit of power, not of fear or timidity.  And the list goes on. 

 

My husband has been so good to me and I am so grateful for his strength.  He is always a nice rock to lean on when I'm all emotional.  My kids, although they are a handful right now,  have blessed me in little ways with careful hugs and caring comments. I hope that, despite my irritation and failures at times, they know how much I love them and can see God working in me.   My mom has been by my side to help with my "little tornadoes" and do my dishes and laundry and other hard stuff.  Even my dear friend Rachel came and cleaned my house and watched my kids so my mom and I could have a break in all the madness.  She also organized a meal plan for us.  We were fed dinner for 2 weeks solid by our church family.  It is so greatly appreciated. And  I need to especially thank all those near and far who have been praying for me.  I can't express how much I felt those prayers and how much they mean to me.  This has been a very hard, humbling, but special time for me.  Thank you God for showing yourself strong to me. May I continue to be loyal to You.   

 

 

Just a note:  By the way, the surgeon did say that it was a good thing I got my thryoid out when I did.  the smaller side was actually bigger than he thought.  It was kinda swelling around to the back (it's hard to explain).  And one of my parathyroid glands (glands that are around your thryoid and control your calcium)  was embedded somehow in my thryoid.  When the surgeon took the thyroid out, it tore that parathyroid gland and he had to reattach it to.....hmm...to something.   I don't know, I'm not a surgeon :) 

 

Things about Finley

Things  about Finley I don't want to forget:

He's really been into saying "Look at me!" with a really histerical grin on his face.  He is so stinkin cute.   He says this all the time...at least 20 times a day when he thinks he is doing something just downright amazing.

The way he copies Fisher all the time.  He looks up to his big brother so much.

His dimples

His squishy thighs and dimply elbows. 

His blond curly hair is all over the place.

The way he hugs so tight and squeezes with a little grunt.
Also when he hugs he'll do a comforting tap tap tap like mothers and fathers do to sooth babies.

He loves to snuggle with mom and dad...I've even caught him with Fisher

He runs in these crazy circles around the house when, for some reason, he gets the urge to go go go.  Often times he'll run around those circles saying "weeeee!"  and it reminds me of the pig commercial for some insurance company or something.

He's just so cute...it takes all i have to discipline him because he is just so cute.  It's also hard not to laugh or smile when he's done something wrong...but soooo cute!  Sigh, I love that boy.

Things Fisher Says

There are some things I don't ever want to forget about Fisher. 
The way he says:
1)those are HERS shoes, or those are YOURS shoes
2)"hers be coming round the mountain when hers comes"
3)mickedonald's farm
4)my-reka instead of eureka and my-cata instead of Arcata (our-cata).

The way his eyes look when he smiles his big genuin smile.
The way he dances and thinks it is so cool.
The way he always asks about God and Jesus: "God can hear me all the time?  Why?"  "Why was peoples mean to Jesus?"  "Look there's a cross that God died on!"  (he says about telephone poles)God made me? etc...

On Christmas he gave me a huge hug and without prompting said, "Merry Christmas Mom!" 

I love that boy!

A little lesson

My mom noticed a lump on my throat last time she was visiting.  I knew it was there but just pushed it to the back of my mind.  I had other things to think about like taking care of my kids and attempting a garden and what to make for dinner...oh what to make for dinner.  So I made it to the doctor just before my mom left to go back to Washington.  Blood tests and an ultrasound basically just told me that I have nodules growing on my thyroid.  2 on one side and 1 on the other.  I had to wait a week just to find that out.  I went in to do more blood work.  It's 6 days later and I found out I actually do not have an overactive thyroid which is what was thought previously given my skinny-ness and heart palpitations.  So, now I have to wait for my doctor to call me back and schedule a biopsy.  I'm getting more and more scared.  I think the waiting is what makes it so hard.  They say it's nothing to worry about and in my mind I know that it's pointless to worry about something that could easily be nothing.  But trying to get that to sink into my heart is hard.  I keep having to take my thoughts captive and focus on what I know is true and nothing more.  I read a scripture out of psalm 27.  "and this I am still confident of.  I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord."  This was fitting for me because of all this WAITING I am having to do.  I have my moments of complete victory where I'm solid and am not fearful.  Then I have moments where I'm terrified of what might be wrong with me and I cry of course.  The past couple of weeks have just been terrible.  I've been in rotten moods and have gotten pretty short with the kids.  My head is in the clouds and I can't seem to focus on easy tasks like doing the dishes or even just making dinner.  It seems to take me forever because I forget what I'm doing...all because my mind is preoccupied with this stupid unknown problem.  I've also been extremely exhausted.  Physically and mentally.  Probably from worry and not really because of what is wrong with me.  Any time my throat hurts or my jaw or my ears, I'm thinking "is this because of whatever's wrong with me?"  So I'm having a hard time identifying true symptoms versus psuedo ones that I'm coming up with just because I know something is wrong.  One of the things I'm worried about is if this will keep me from singing.  I noticed after singing for an event my throat was a little achy.  When I say my throat I'm not talking about a sore throat like you would get with a cold.  Maybe it's the glands or something.  But instantly I wonder if it's because of whatever is wrong.  I'm just praying for God to give me faith that I don't naturally have.  Faith that no matter what happens, I'm in good hands and so is my family.  Faith that gives me hope and comfort.  I had been praying before all this happened. I was asking God to show me how I could bring Him the most glory I possibly could while I'm here on earth.  I just really long to bring him glory and honor due to him in everything I do.  And this is still my prayer.  Lord, through all of this bring yourself glory.  I know all things are in your hands and you know whatever is wrong with this body of mine.  What ever is in your will for me I say okay.  Lets do this and let's glorify your name.  Meanwhile, give me the faith that I need and help me to stay hopeful and cheerful and patient for my kids and my husband. 

A few songs I wrote

I started to write songs and I am loving it so much. They usually come from something God is teaching me, or from a scripture that stuck in my brain. I hope to keep writing and writing and singing and singing. Here's a few videos that Chuck and I recorded with the help of our friend. We hope to do some "real" recording soon with the whole band. But we were just too excited to wait.

Dance For You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncaYjjmPEsE&context=C3bfd532ADOEgsToPDskIa4GrUqVi0gkPC8kJX5KMt

The Lovc You Give
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scTYS8vG4KA&context=C31be6f4ADOEgsToPDskKBhF8K43CI7al7gVROLESo

As One
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQXpMhOiyW0&feature=context&context=C31be6f4ADOEgsToPDskKBhF8K43CI7al7gVROLESo

All the gifts

Now i get to share all the projects I had been working on for Christmas gifts. In the rush to get all these gifts out in time forgot to take pictures of a couple. I made a cute car caddy for my nephew and crocheted an orange scarf for my friend Rachel. I'll have to get pics later. Or just make more.

My mother in-law taught me how to make these little yo-yo flowers so I would have something to do on our long car ride home when we had visited them. I put one on a head band with a button for my niece.

I recently rediscovered crocheting and put it to use making a coffee cup cozy for my friend Jen.

A yarn wreath with felt flowers for my sister in-law

Another one for my other sister in-law

A tissue paper wreath for my new niece, Summer.

My nieces on Adam's side got some cute little aprons since I had found out one of them was getting a kitchen set for Christmas.

And of course hand prints for the Grandparents.